A mid-afternoon ramble (re-post)
(originally posted on RTH forum)
I’m not even sure really what to write right now.
*looks at those two words again…smirks a bit & continues*
Anyway, I didn’t want this in a log, I wanted to put it where someone could respond if they felt some overwhelming need, but it didn’t reallllllly seem like a “general thyroid” kinda issue. Or hell, maybe it is. I am really upset lately, and maybe it’s my hypo, maybe it’s my imagination, maybe it’s the purple and yellow swirly damn body-snatchers taking over the forms of the friends I feel I’ve made here. WHATEVER the reason, I figure if I just close my eyes and start writing, maybe if I’m really lucky, I can piss every-fkn-body off, and maybe then you all will stop being so god-awful pissy with each other.
This will prolly ramble a bit, and if it seriously offends someone, I apologize in advance. I just need to get it off my considerably (unfortunately) larger chesticles.
I’m fat. I’m short, getting older, and fat. And you know what? I want to lose that weight. I would go so far as to say I would do damn near everything I can legally, and health-wise to get that weight OFF this bag of old bones of mine.
I was the fat kid growing up. The chubby, nubby haired tomboy that boys never looked twice at because girls who were stick thin and had non-existent asses were the only things the boys went ga-ga over. I would rather have been a-horseback, or on a dirt bike, and YES, I was GI Jane. It went into junior high, and even went so far as to spark a nasty lil rumor that since I never had a boyfriend, and only hung around my best friend (who — la! happened to be a girl), that I was a lesbian. Even one of my closest friends at the time actually came to me with tears in her eyes because she was afraid it was true. Oh, the joy of pre-adolescence. -snorts-
That all changed somehow when I hit 15. I lost the baby fat. I slimmed down, and grew up, real quick and in a hurry. I didn’t know it, and didn’t realize it till years later, but I was actually quite the cookie, apparently. It’s so weird. Nearly 2 decades after high school, I’ve got guys I only dreamed about telling me they had huge crushes on me ‘back then’, but they were too shy or nervous or downright scared to say anything to me, or ask me out. I don’t know why. Maybe it had something to do with the huge F.UCK OFF aura surrounding me.
Go figure.
But while I was in that tumultuous period, someone had gifted me with a set of dumbells. Not a lot, just two 6.6 lbs bells. Now, a few of you might know my history. I had a pretty heavy clash with my mom during those years. She was very quick to hit. Not punch, but she’d sure slap you around in a heart beat. I got real good at playing “grab-hands.” I would get so emotional, and angry, that I would lock myself in my room and work out. I would do butt-lifts, squats, and use those bells ruthlessly. I would do overhead curls, under arm, tricep curls. I would lay on my back and pretend I was doing a bench press and every other possible variation I could think of to work those arms of mine. I was angry. I wanted to exhaust myself. I worked out to the point I couldn’t lift a pencil much less lift my arm to hit a wall, or worse, my mom. I don’t care how much she tried to hit me, I always swore I would never ever hit my mom. She’s my mom. No matter what conflict we had, no matter what SHE did, she was my mom. The result was I had the best, most defined arms of any girl in my entire class.
Guess what? I want that body back. I want ME back. I want it so bad I can taste it. Because I remember what it was like to be the fat girl, and I remember what it was like when I wasn’t. When I felt healthy even if I wasn’t (and didn’t know it). When I had a good self image.
Does this mean I’m going to starve myself, or barf myself into losing weight? NO. It means that when I can handle it again, I fully intend to rejoin the active world. I intend to play tennis again, to be able to lift free weights again. I hate cardio, aerobic exercise. With my asthma it’s damn near impossible for me to run a mile, or a treadmill, or do step.
So what? What, Dallas, does that have to do with anything?
Nothing much to most of you.
BUT – what the f.uck is wrong with anyone else doing it?
Humans are made to be active. We are not meant to lay around sedentary. Our bodies are not created that way. They are created to move. This is one reason working out (i believe) gives us such a good feeling. When I managed to work out, I saw the benefits of it, and I felt GOOD. I felt like I was accomplishing something, if only the betterment of my own overall health.
Adrenals shot? Yes, mine are. That’s ok, I can adjust fire for that. I can plan for that. I am responsible enough to know my limits. I am also grown-the-hell up enough to be able to test those limits periodically, and if I end up suffering for it….IT WILL BE MY RESPONSIBILITY. No one else’s. No one else to blame. Me. MY choice.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand humans need some fat on their bodies. It’s a throwback to the most basic, primitive instinct to survive. Every animal in the kingdom including humans, uses the growing season to build up that store of fat, in preparation for the lean months of winter, so they have something to survive on until the next spring. I understand this. I also understand that I don’t need to carry around 80 bloody pounds of it. I don’t want to look like Courtney Cox near the end of the show Friends, a clothes hanger with skin and bones. I still want to look like a soft, feminine woman at the end of the day.
I WILL achieve that. Someday, and I hope someday soon.
But if I want to work out, it’s nobody’s bloody business if I do. If I want to work out for hours, it’s nobody’s business if I do. That’s my point. What works for me may not work for ANYONE else. But if it works FOR ME, it’s not anyone’s place to tell me I’m wrong for it. We ALL believe what Janie says in STTM book. “We live in our own bodies, no one else.” So if that’s true, and I believe it is, then by virtue of that fact, I also know my own body well enough to know what my limits are as far as getting back into shape and losing weight will be.
When I first started all this, learning about hypothyroid, adrenal fatigue and insufficiency, my family, both relative and in-law, looked at me like I had gone mad. They still act like they think I am obsessed with it. Some of my friends have commented on it as well. I know it’s because I talk about it non-stop. I talk about it to them, to perfect strangers in the check out aisles. Shit, do you all remember that First Magazine article I had Tim scan and I posted here? I held up the friggin’ magazine in the store while I was being rung up and nearly shouted to the people around me and waiting in line behind me, “You all should get this magazine and read THIS ARTICLE. It will blow your mind!” And maybe I am obsessed. But you know what? Why SHOULDN’T I be obsessed with my better health? Why shouldn’t ANY of us, ALL of us, be obsessed with better health for ourselves?
That’s what it means to be passionate. To feel passion for something, anything. I am passionate about my health, my body, and getting the word out about thyroid and adrenal issues. Am I wrong? I don’t think I am. My family certainly thinks I’m fairly cracked over it. Are they right? Who CARES!?
I am hypopit. I believe that my hypothyroid was brought about ultimately by the damage to my pituitary. I think it’s natural that I see signs of adrenal fatigue in many people with whom I come into contact. I’ve noticed myself doing it. Talking to someone, friends, strangers, and they say something and my mind screams ‘ADRENAL!!!’ Someone with Celiac will naturally see signs of that in others THEY come into contact with, and so on. I think it IS natural. Once we know what the signs are, it’s far easier to spot it in others. It’s also natural to suggest the possibility to others, especially if you know them well enough to know their history. Let me repeat that – SUGGEST – not command, and not insist or demand. It doesn’t mean you pronounce someone has ___ even if they assure you they are aware of the possibility and are respectfully capable of preparing to adjust fire for that.
HOWEVER – Just because YOU have celiac, or PCOS, or adrenal fatigue,or three boobs with hairy moles sprinkled with fairy dust… (and I’m using “you” in the collective sense, this is NOT directed at ANYONE), does NOT mean that someone else DOES. What is a warning flag for you might not apply to someone else. Someone else might be well aware of adrenal fatigue and/or insufficiency, but being a responsible, grown adult, they are fully capable of assessing their own health to know if they are in need of adrenal support or not. Don’t presuppose and pass judgment on someone because they know their own body well enough to know they don’t need necessarily the same things you need. Our bodies aren’t cookie cutters. And don’t think what works for Debbie downer over there will necessarily work for you just because you share some of the same symptoms. Nobody is a clone, so nobody’s treatment will work exactly the same for another.
And what IS it with the back biting, sniping, and downright B*TCHY attitude from people here lately? I see people I have come to really care about, snarling at each other over some thread or another, making outlandish accusations at one another, being snarky, sarcastic, and plain out hateful toward each other. I saw someone keep going after being warned by a Mod to let it die, they just HAD to get that ONE LAST snipy remark in, that LAST word.
KNOCK IT OFF!
It’s been said recently before, and I am saying it again. All of us here just want to be well. We want to find out wtf is wrong with us, find a doctor who will help us. For some of us, this forum is the ONLY place where we can find that help. This is the ONLY shot we have at figuring out why we’re so tired, so emotional, so easily hurt and offended.
I was approached tentatively some time ago about the possibility of being a moderator here. I was extremely honored to tell you the truth. But you know what? I have been administrator to THREE forums prior to this as well as hosting a chat community for online roleplay. And let me tell you, if you think you guys are b*tchy, you are tame compared to someone who is on their high horse about some online science fiction roleplay bullshit. Trust me. TAME. I have seen literally the worst (and best) out of people online. Threats being made REAL TIME to people over a disagreement about what’s in some book written by a man in the past. Trite. People who had been years’ long members of a community, well known (or so we thought) and universally liked, faking their own deaths to the point of people sending real flowers to this person’s home, thinking this person AND their children lost their lives in an horrific car accident when the vehicle hit a sheet of black ice. Only to find out months later it was a great big lie. One big “fu-ck you” because the person in question fk’d up and sent an email to another community member using their old email address which was still active. That’s a true story, btw.
So stop hating on each other. If you feel yourself getting so highly offended – WALK AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD. Go have some ice cream. Go shred a blanket, read a book, masturbate, have angry sex, take a cold shower; go do ANYTHING besides sitting here, fuming, plotting the best and most effective way to “get one up” on whoever is arguing with you. I assure you, no online forum is worth that hassle, the elevated blood pressure, the headaches and sheer stamina-drain of hate. Yes, I include myself in that. It’s a lesson I struggle with to this day. But I keep trying, as I know most of you all do too.
There is a book by Suzette Haden Elgin entitled The ‘Gentle’ Art of Verbal Self Defense. I’m not sure if I posted about it here before, but it’s worth a good read if anyone’s interested. I found it in the bargain section of Barnes & Noble one day. (naturally the word ‘verbal’ caught my eye) I think I did post a blog on my website about it, but here is a part of the old blog, based on information in the book itself.
“If you really…”
“Why do you always…”
“Even you/someone/anyone…”These are phrases we hear every day, the subtle utterances that are almost guaranteed to send the respondent reeling emotionally, and groping mentally for either a clever rejoinder or a quick strike back.“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t ___”
“Why do you always yell/walk away/hit/deflect/avoid ___”
“Even someone like you should be able to understand ___”These phrases are insidious because they contain some nasty presuppositions that apply blame and are designed specifically to make the other party feel guilty, insignificant, stupid, and/or downright rotten.
Elgin makes a solid argument that verbal communication skills are very much like martial arts. Those who are skilled in verbal communication have a responsibility to NOT abuse their “power” if you will forgive the use of the word. Like the skilled martial artist, who CAN do serious physical damage to someone with only their hands, the tongue sometimes (often) cuts much sharper and deeper than the meanest slap or punch. The emotional damage, in addition, can also have more far reaching and longer lasting consequences than bruises that heal and disappear over time.
I can justify nearly everything, but it doesn’t always make me right, doesn’t always mean I should justify it. I heard a saying once, and I believed it; “just because you have the right to do something, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.”
I count ya’ll here as friends. Some I have spoken with on the phone, some I’ve met in person. I feel extremely blessed to have that opportunity. I’ve laid myself bare before you all. Hell, all of us do. We talk about the worst, grossest, absolutely hilarious things! We – most of us – feel each others’ pain because we’ve been through similar ourselves. All of us are here for ONE reason: to get better. To that end, (and again I include myself with this) can we PLEASE just stop for a minute and remember that when we start feeling ourselves getting heated?
Debate the issue, don’t attack the person. Go into computer mode. Keeping personal feelings out of it helps a LOT when debating or even just discussing issues where people can have conflicting opinions. Nobody’s perfect, least of all myself. Can’t we try to keep that in mind? An opinion, even an educated one, is still an opinion. It’s not fact, it’s not irrefutable, and what works for you may not work for someone else.
Food for thought from the one who apparently has a nasty case of ‘verbal diarrhea’ tonight.
Peace.
