Things taking a downturn
It’s after midnight, nearly 1 am. I am so tired, but shaky; my hands are trembling. The last couple of days off work have not been productive at all. I feel like I’m pushing myself into a setback in recovery.
With things the way they are at work, at home..I am crying all the time, or at least never very far from tears.
I have been so stressed out, the last week was a nightmare. I can’t really go into the details, just suffice to say it was NOT good for me health-wise. Stressing over upsetting someone. *sigh* Again…way to go Dallas. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. I can’t force someone to understand that stress affects me on a cellular level. That’s difficult for even family members to cope with, but when it’s friends it seems to cut deeper. And hell, even I feel like it’s just a bullshit excuse sometimes, even though I KNOW better.
I forgot to take my bedtime meds for days in a row. I don’t know wtf is going on with me. Maybe everything is just taking a drastic toll on me. Tim had to help me to the house tonight. I tried to get out for a little bit, and it was just too much.
I have felt sick, tired, like I just can’t get enough sleep, migraines, nausea; take your pick. The shaky hands, internal trembling that resembles a mad adrenaline rush or sugar rush and a rapid crash afterward.
I am praying I can get an appointment with Dr. Lindner. I really need the comfort of having a doctor seeing to my treatment; someone I could at least email or all if I need to who is knowledgeable of my condition. I was eager to take Medrol, thinking it would help to be able to take something just twice a day, instead of every four hours, but honestly I feel like I’m backsliding into adrenal exhaustion like i was before. The Hydrocortisone helped better, I feel in many ways. Maybe I should try to go back to it.
I find myself isolating, avoiding any and all contact with people, no matter how well intentioned. I know they might think I am blowing them off, but I just can’t seem to get over this. It’s overwhelming. I feel like breaking down, screaming, crying. What I really want is to just throw a good tantrum, but what would that serve? It doesn’t fix the situations I am in, not a one.
Why can’t people just open their fucking minds and understand that ANY unexpected changes literally, medically, damage me even more than I already am.
I feel lost. No anchor. No solidity, and life is just one big wheel, and I’m the dying hamster simply struggling to keep up, to not get thrown into the straw. I barely feel I can even write.
On that note I’ve been thinking maybe I should try to finish the fiction book first and see if I can even get published. Maybe a book on Hypopituitarism would be better received if I were already an established author. Right now though the mere thought of the struggle doing that is exhausting to my mind, and that travels down to exhausting my body.
I keep praying for Grace, patience, endurance. And ya’ll know how I LOATHE that word. I can’t stand merely “enduring.”
What the hell, at least it fits in with my general Gemini personality.
January 13th, 2010 at 1:25 am
*hugs you so very tight*
OMG – and now my own tears form, as I am sure I have added to your stress unintentionally…
“enduring” – a word I know all too well and loathe just the same. I even had a friend/business partner tell me that she has noticed me for the last 6 years, at least, basically crawling at the walls…screaming silently to get out of the hole, yet finding the facade to simply “endure” and leave others believing I am not dying inside (physically or mentally).
All I can do is offer my support and honestly understanding the concept of not intentionally ‘blowing off’ others that you care about, yet finding yourself drifting off into the clouds/sunset/deep waters of your own soul for a moment in time, no matter if it is related to a physical condition or not.
I’m speechless, in a sense, and just want you to know that I care and wish there was more I could do to help…even if it was be closer/more available if you need an ear or shoulder or even simply just comfortable silence…
*hug*
January 13th, 2010 at 5:56 pm
“Enduring” may not be a word you like, but it seems necessary in your case. You must endure before you can thrive, so don’t get hung up on the word too much.
And while the tantrum may not fix any of the underlying issues, you still need some sort of release. Loosen the cap a little and let some of the pressure out. It helps, at least for me.
January 13th, 2010 at 9:41 pm
Sweetie, it’s a small financial set back but let’s face it, I’m not having any parties right now anyway with this schedule. No one has any desire around here to have a pure romance party on a monday or tuesday night, and those are the only nights off I have. I want a different shift but there isn’t one available. I have asked other people on diff shifts. They don’t want to work with her either. Yet nothing is ever done about her hostility toward me, others. *shrug* I doubt anything will ever be done. Not as things stand currently.
January 14th, 2010 at 12:03 am
I have been working with idiots that only only seek to make their lives seem better by trying to make others look bad. It is very stressful, but I kept giving my best and in the end the petty person failed. It took many days of just walking out of work and getting in my car and doing one of those primal screams to get the stress out. Give it a try it helps. Keep shining.