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Tonight is one of the bad nights. I’m off work, my only night off this week, and what exciting things am I doing? I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out. Pathetic. It certainly wasn’t how I hoped tonight would go.

I feel like I am nothing more than a fuck up, a failure at everything I try to do. Like no matter how hard I try, I can’t make anything good happen, no use to anyone, and always on the bottom step of everything!

God, why can’t I stop crying?

Dear Lord, please let me have one good thing. Just ONE, please??? Give me some sign that life will get better. I wish there was someone to talk to, but there isn’t. There never is. I hate myself. For being weak, for needing anyone, for wishing someone would just show up and wrap me up tight in a big hug and not let go.

I know I will get over this, I always do. But it takes another piece of me when it passes. I come out a little harder, a little more brittle, a little less trusting, and my protective shell a little thicker. How long till I am surrounded by hardness, and unable to come back out at all? Maybe that would be easier anyway.

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The wisdom of little girls,

baby emeralds and precious pearls

They leap through the ages

and put shame to sages.

*To my daughter:*

To know you is to love you,

and I loved you unknown.

I never knew that my soul

could live outside myself

until you came screaming into my world

with a shiner that matched your howl,

and I knew you would be a fighter.

You will fight for life, for love

for family and what’s right.

Know you now, that I will never forsake you,

deny you, abandon you, or treat you

as anything but the angel you are.

I will be hard on you,

and some days you will say ‘I hate you’.

And even when it breaks my heart,

I will stand fast, and pray

that I can teach you what you need

to thrive, not merely survive.

My angel, my angel, my angel.

You were the divine gift

that I will never ever feel I deserve.

The light in my eye,

the picture in my frame.

*To my mother:*

My shelter, my rock, my unswerving champion

when I felt all the world had turned from me.

You showed me, by design, by desire, and sometimes by mistake,

every lesson I would need to survive in this world.

From you I gained life, love, and the value of loyalty.

The knowledge that every good thing in life is worth fighting for.

To never give up, to never quit,

and never back down when you know you are right.

You were hard on me,

and some days I said ‘I hate you.’

And even as it broke your heart,

you stood fast, and taught me what I needed

to thrive, not merely survive.

I am more proud of you now, than I have ever been.

You are the one I look to for guidance,

for comfort, to share our own memories,

and make new ones with the next generations,

the brightest constellations in our souls’ skies.

Happy Mother’s Day.

(feel free to share, but please don’t pass it off as your own. Thanks – Dallas)

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She was his, and he was hers, until even the outside of Forever could only look on in exquisite torment, and blackest envy.

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I would rather have cut out my own heart with a pair of rusted nail clippers, and poured acid on it while it was still beating, than do what I just did. I didn’t know it was possible to hurt this badly.

It feels like my soul just fractured.

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