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Some Flowers Only Bloom in the Imagination

Missing hiker saved by sports bra

Posted By on June 24, 2008

Sports bra saves hiker stranded in Alps – CNN.com

BERLIN, Germany (AP) — An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps for nearly three days was rescued after using her sports bra as a signal, police in southern Germany said Monday.

Berchtesgaden police officer Lorenz Rasp said that he helped lift 24-year-old Jessica Bruinsma of Colorado to safety by helicopter on Thursday after she attracted the attention of lumberjacks by attaching her sports bra to a cable used to move timber down the mountain.

“She’s a very smart girl, and she acted very resourcefully,” said Rasp. “She kept her shirt and jacket for warmth, but thought the sports bra could work as a signal.”

An Alpine rescue team, including five helicopters and 80 emergency workers, had been searching for Bruinsma since she went missing June 16 after losing her way in bad weather while hiking with a friend near the Austrian border.

She fell 16.4 feet to a rocky overhang, where she spent the next 70 hours on the narrow ledge, sustained by water that she found by breaking into a supply box on the ledge.

She badly bruised a leg and dislocated a shoulder in the fall, and the cliff was too isolated for her to climb free, Rasp said.

Rasp said the cable was only within reach because the timber transport system was out of service. When a repairman restored the line on Thursday, the cable car started moving up the mountain and Bruinsma’s bra reached the worker at the base. He knew of the missing hiker and immediately called police.

Rasp said his team followed the cable line up the cliff side in a helicopter and found Bruinsma standing on the ledge, waving with her good arm. After circling once, they lowered a winch to Bruinsma and lifted her aboard.

“She did so well because she is in very good shape,” Rasp said. “She has been training for a marathon — her goal is to finish in 3 hours and 10 minutes.”

Bruinsma told Rasp that she has scrapped plans to stay in Berchtesgaden to learn German and plans to return home to Colorado Springs with her parents. He said she still plans to run the marathon, if she recovers in time to keep training.

 

Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

BJ Ettiquette

Posted By on June 8, 2008

Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 – So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face.

4. Extension to rule #3 – No, I DON’T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 – do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” – get it through your head – I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 – “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls – if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.

A Man’s thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

1. First of all, yes you’re obligated to do it. If you don’t, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “queef” mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don’t worry about it and be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.

5. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it’s “wide awake” in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.

13. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

“Because I’m a Guy”

Posted By on June 8, 2008

Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart — despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — how the heck could HE know where we’re going?

Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.

Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?

Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find
this fascinating.

Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.

Battle of the Sexes

Posted By on June 8, 2008

The Last 11 Things Any Man Would Ever Say:

        * I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
        * While I’m up, can I get you a beer?
        * I think hairy butts are really sexy.
        * Her tits are just too big.
        * Sometimes I just want to be held.
        * That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
        * Sure I’d love to wear a condom!
        * We haven’t been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse.
        * Fuck Monday Night Football, let’s watch Murphy Brown.
        * I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions
        * No, I don’t mind watching Thelma and Louise again.

The Perfect Day According to … HIM

    10:00am    Wake up
    10:02am    Oral sex
    10:15am    Big breakfast
    11:30am    Drive up the coast in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde with big jugs
    2:15pm    Enormous lunch
    3:00pm    Oral sex
    3:15pm    Play sports with the guys
    4:00pm    Drink beer with guys
    6:00pm    Meet Claudia Schiffer
    6:10pm    Oral sex
    6:25pm    Huge dinner, more beer
    11:00pm    Full on, get down, gorilla sex

 

 

The Last 11 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:

        * Could our relationship be more physical? I’m tired of just being friends.
        * Go ahead and leave the seat up, it’s easier for me to douche that way.
        * I think hairy butts are really sexy.
        * Hey, get a whiff of that one.
        * Please don’t throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
        * This diamond is way too big!
        * I don’t mind throwing all these useless shoes out.
        * I won’t even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
        * Wow, it really is 14 inches!
        * Does this make my butt look too small?
        * I’m wrong, you must be right again.

The Perfect Day According to … HER

    8:45am    Wake up to hugs and kisses
    9:00am    5 pounds lighter on the scale
    9:30am    Light breakfast
    11:00am    Sunbathe
    12:00pm    Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
    1:30pm    Shopping
    2:30pm    Run into boyfriends ex, notice she’s gained 30 pounds
    3:00pm    Facial massage and nap
    7:30pm    Candle light dinner for two and dancing
    10:00pm    Make love
    11:00pm    Pillow talk in his big strong arms

 

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her,   support her, go to the ends of the earth for her….
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked, with beer….

A little salt on the rim….

Posted By on June 8, 2008

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine – (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years…Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk … and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Additional note: If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.