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Some Flowers Only Bloom in the Imagination

One more drop

Posted By on June 5, 2008

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a
patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win
the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters,
longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the
bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
rind
to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

Something to Offend EVERYONE

Posted By on June 5, 2008

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
–Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
–The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
–The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
–Because it’s worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
–Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
–Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
–100 people who don’t do dick.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
—Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
—45 lbs…..

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
—45 minutes.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
—Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
—They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
—Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
—After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
—The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
—The blonde, because she’s 18.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
—A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
—Are you sure it’s mine?

What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
—Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
—Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
—Breasts don’t have eyes.

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
—Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it..

Fuckin’ Porridge ~and other funnies~

Posted By on June 5, 2008

THREE old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, opened his trench coat and exposed himself. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. And then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and feebler, bless her heart, couldn’t reach that far.

DID you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse

A LADY walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said: “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said: “Lord have mercy, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband!

“That’s against the law! They’ll throw both of us in jail and I’ll lose my license.”

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and handed it to pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

BABY Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl which is empty.

“Who’s been eating my porridge?”, he squeaks.

Father Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

“Who’s been eating my Porridge?!!,” he roars.

Mother Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells: “For Christ’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

“It was Mother Bear who got up first, it was Mother Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mother Bear who made the coffee, it was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mother Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mother Bear who set the damn table, it was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish, and, now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mother Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence!

“Listen good because I’m only going to say this one more time:

 I HAVEN’T MADE THE FUKKIN PORRIDGE YET!!!

*grins*

Important Medical Study!!

Posted By on June 5, 2008

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where
she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up
his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.